I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
