I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
