oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
