Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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