idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
