she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
