She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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