I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
