I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Someone came in the potted fern
He? As in you personified your dick?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize