he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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