I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
