My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
