you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
