One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
