the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I feel like abortions should bother me more
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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