So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
