you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
