Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
