He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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