i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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