NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I wish there were birth control emojis
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
