did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
