Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
