I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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