just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
