yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
