your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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