can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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