you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
