Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
