i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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