Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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