so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
