I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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