Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
