So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
