Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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