Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
