WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
