just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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