Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize