I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
