Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
