i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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