I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
