i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
