I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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