There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
