You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
