I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
