my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
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