god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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