i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize