Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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