She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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