he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
