John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
