Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
