how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize