I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
