apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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