Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Drake has all the answers
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
