It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
