meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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