so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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