Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
