Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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