you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
