i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
