apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize