Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
