fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
